Abe's tale Stories of a decrepit old man
by cthulhu-2588
Summary: It's more grandpa Simpson then you or anybody else wants.This and all of my stories can be read on my website at Please enjoy


My life story  
By: Abraham J. Simpson.  
  
My name is Abraham Simpson. That's Grandpa for short. I am writing to tell you my life story. Since I forgot a lot of it, I'll just tell a few stories of my misadventures. Like the time I kicked the Irish out of Springfield. Well, it was back in aug,4 (we couldn't say 1956 because the number 6 was taken by the polish, and 5 by the Russians. The Russians were, at the time, known as Blue Joes.) So anyway, I was a big-shot back in those days. I was known as golden-shoe Joe. (I wasn't known as Abe back then because somebody swiped my underwear. I had to borrow a pair from my room-mate, John but ever since the French took the letter H, he was known as Joe. His underwear had his name on the elastic, as was the style at the time.) So, in underwear that belonged to a French-Canadian, I saw an Irishmen tryin' to take a carrot from under a car. (Back then, a vegetable under an automobile was a sign of good luck. It was also a fad.) So I went up to the Irishman. (Since the letter H was gone, we called them, Red Mickys.) So I went over and I said, "Hey! That's not your dirt weed!" (We called Carrots Dirt Weed. As was the style at the time.) So the Red Mickey Threw a hat at me, (Hats were called liberty wigs). So I chased that skunk until the cows came home. The cows returning home at about 6:15 PM. (Aug, flimsy PM) It was a good hour and a half after there curfew too. So, to punish them, we ate apples. (Eating apples being the style at the time.) We would have had sliced bread, but we spent our last nickel on baby food. Baby food smeared on your door-knobs was a sign of welcome to friends, and family. We used it as a laxative though.  
Which reminds me of the time I jumped over a Springfield garage on my motorized scooter. Well, it was the spring of 66' and I just got back from Cuba on a secret mission to assassinate Prince. Or was it Sarah Connor? Oh well, I can't remember. Well any-who, I was on the ship back to America. Me and My crew of highly skilled but underpaid hands were on the way home when Roger said he was bored. So I decided to play a game of checkers with him. (Checkers being a popular game at the time.) And boy what a game it was. I moved, then he moved. Then I moved again. Then he moved again. Then I jumped one of his pawns. The he jumped one of mine. Then I jumped over two of his. Then he jumped over one of mine. Then I jumped over another two of his and said "King me". Then he moved. Then I moved. Then he jumped over two of my pawns. Then I jumped over three of his with my king. Then he jumped over one of mine. Then I finished the game with a double jump. And that's how I beat my friend Roger at checkers. I remember when I was in the war. I was in both World Wars. I had to lie about my age to get into the first one. When they found out about my lie, I got taken behind the wood shed and was givin the canin of a lifetime. Back then, you could hit a kid all you want and not get in trouble. Hell the police would give you tips. Of course back then they were known as Blue Johnnies. I was young when I met president Roosevelt. I remember bumping into him as I walked by. He caned me good he did. Now-a-days, you got politicians who are against child abuse. Well in my day, it was an honor to be spanked by a president. I remember when I took a trip to British Columbia. Well, it used to be called that. Then it was changed to New York. What a god-awful place it was. Rats and filth and Irishmen and rats and rats and....did I mention rats? I remember back in the 30's being in New York. I remember it like it were yesterday. The jitterbug was catchin' on like fire. Chicago burned to the ground. And Canada was.....just there. (Of course back then it was called big Bland).I saw a baseball game. Only back then, we played real baseball. There were no 'innings'. And a game didn't end until night fell. Cause back then it was believed playing after dark was a bad omen. Well anyway, it was a warm St.Patricks day, (of course back then warm ment above freezing) so anyway, I was on my way to buy some fish. When all of a sudden I saw a man drive up to another man in a big black car. The car was big but, I'd seen nicer. I think it was an older model. I think it was a ford. They say Hitler drove around in a Volkswagen. I saw his car. It wasn't a Volkswagen, it was a...something. I don't remember. It was blue though. (Blue being the German fashion of the time.) Well anyway...what was it I was talking about...Oh yeah. There are a lot of fat children in the country today. They smell, look weird, and are pretty dumb. Well, that's what I get for coming to, America.  
Movies were better in my day. We called them pictures, on a count of the fact that they were pictures, only they move. I remember seeing 'The Birds' when it was in the theaters. I got so scared I couldn't sleep for a week. For every night I didn't sleep, my father would make me go out and fetch a switch. Not like now-a-days. In my day, when a kid was bad he was taken behind the wood-shed. Now-a-days, people don't have wood sheds. That's why you see so many kids get hit on the streets and malls and grocery stores and malls and toy-stores and malls and the super market. Like the time when I won the Olympics. I was on the football team for America. I remember it like it was yesterday. I threw the game winning pass I did. Of course back then football was a sport. Now-a-days, you got these big pansies throwin' a ball around and running like they have a goal. Well, they're runnin' towards a goal post...but that hardly counts. In my day, every team member who didn't score at least once, (or get one sack if you were on defense) they would get dragged behind the wood shed after fetchin' a switch. That's the problem with today's generation. Nobody has a wood shed anymore. That's why people hit kids in public now-a-days. Also, there were no diet cola's in my day. If ya wanted to lose weight, you would throw- up like a normal person. Now-a-days you have kids playin' battle ship. Well when I was a kid, I played the game of Life with a German for four years straight! He was good, I hoped that student exchange program would never end. Playin that bored game was like playin' battle ship with the Japanese. I didn't like that game as much but, nothing beat a game of hungry-hungry hippo with the village idiot. 


End file.
